People in love make me want to vomit
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
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