why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
