i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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