I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
