I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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