Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
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