I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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