I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Randomize
