After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
