Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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