How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
