I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
