I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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