i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
