Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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