Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
