I just heard a girl say "We can't go that way, it is a one way street." She was on foot...Nothing worse than girl from the midwest that move to NY to "live out their dream" -the dream of living in a rat and roach infested 200sqft for $2k a month, and get fucked by some recent Ithaca college frat grad...
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
I enjoy the company of your penis
Randomize
