so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
