I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Randomize
