Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
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