My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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