The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
