Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Randomize
