i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
