i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
