I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
