Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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