If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
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