fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
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