The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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