and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
