she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
