I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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