please come you make the beer taste better
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
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