Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
used his ipod to set the mood...1st song was livin on a prayr 2nd song was disco stick
i expected more from guys that i meet at the jersey shore.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
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