I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Randomize
