My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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