they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Randomize
