you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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