Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
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