Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
