My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Randomize
