dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
this beer tastes like vomit already
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
