I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
