Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
