I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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