I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
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