New invention idea: vibrating tampons
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
