Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
