woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
